Courtesy of ChatGPT with some minor edits by me
With great exasperation, we announce the death of Seton Hall Basketball, tragically lost to a fatal combination of NIL chaos (or refusal to use NIL) transfer portal roulette, and chronic leadership anemia.
Once a proud program with grit, tradition, and actual continuity, the Pirates were last seen wandering aimlessly through the Big East, fielding a starting lineup assembled via late-night DMs and hope has officially passed away.
Cause of death was accelerated by a leadership team that mistook “player development” for “just hope they stay,” and “roster strategy” for “grab whoever’s still in the portal in July.” NIL didn’t kill the culture—poor planning and a refusal to adapt finished the job.
Seton Hall is survived by a passionate fanbase that deserves so much better, a once-great tradition, and several ex-players now thriving elsewhere.
Funeral arrangements will be held quietly in a half-empty Prudential Center. Pallbearers will include Tyrese Samuel, Kadary Richmond, Dre Davis and Isaiah Coleman.
In lieu of flowers, please send stability, a vision, and someone who can shoot 35% from three
With great exasperation, we announce the death of Seton Hall Basketball, tragically lost to a fatal combination of NIL chaos (or refusal to use NIL) transfer portal roulette, and chronic leadership anemia.
Once a proud program with grit, tradition, and actual continuity, the Pirates were last seen wandering aimlessly through the Big East, fielding a starting lineup assembled via late-night DMs and hope has officially passed away.
Cause of death was accelerated by a leadership team that mistook “player development” for “just hope they stay,” and “roster strategy” for “grab whoever’s still in the portal in July.” NIL didn’t kill the culture—poor planning and a refusal to adapt finished the job.
Seton Hall is survived by a passionate fanbase that deserves so much better, a once-great tradition, and several ex-players now thriving elsewhere.
Funeral arrangements will be held quietly in a half-empty Prudential Center. Pallbearers will include Tyrese Samuel, Kadary Richmond, Dre Davis and Isaiah Coleman.
In lieu of flowers, please send stability, a vision, and someone who can shoot 35% from three